Lost.

It's been a while, and that is always a scary thing. It's always a scary thing because whenever I take a break from writing its usually because I'm afraid of what I have to say to myself and this time around, I'd say that was true as well.

Until about two days ago I was in complete denial. Denial about my life, the changes that are about to take place and the lack of control that I have over situations at the moment. I'm also afraid of who I am, who I have been and who I will become. I feel as though I have lost touch with the person I have always wanted to be, the distance goal, the sketch of humanity that I plotted out, slowly connecting the dots. Somewhere along the way my pencil went off track and now I have no more dots to follow.

Most of this anxiety stems from being in a relationship. Not that this relationship is tumultuous or even remotely unstable...in fact its far from being anything but stable and that is exactly what scares me. What scares me is that for the first time in my life I see myself becoming a person I never possibly imagined for myself - the content, satisfied and happy human being.

I have always seen myself as someone who would never be happy. I don't mean that in a depressing way at all. Instead, I mean someone who was never content with her life, always craving more and never being satisfied. This state of unhappiness stems from a place of unsatisfactory, not a place of true misery. However, somehow in the past few months or so I have drifted across barriers of unconsciousness and been able to glimpse a view into a state of possible happiness - a place where I am content, though not necessarily satisfied.

This glimpse of happiness has scared me because it has at the same time forced me to confront the multiple dimensions of myself - that person I once was, the person I aspired to be and the person I am now. While there is a parallel that can be drawn between all these selves, the difficulty in drawing this continuity causes me to question whether or not there is any linearity to being, any sense of direction that one can truly aim for.

Am I a feminist? A fleer? A scared individualist or a coward? These are the questions that cause me to sink back into a state of paralyzed anxiety today. What will I become? But more importantly, is what I want to become and authentic representation of myself or merely a projection of my immediate experiences? Am I becoming the person that I have always sought to be, or do I now ascribe to a narrative of being that relies on me being an extension of someone else? How do I separate the I from we?

While these questions will eventually work themselves out, I am afraid of the process which is to come. I cannot describe the sensation of my current existence as anything less than weight, immense weight that brings me to a level below all reality, one where I am able to examine everything above from almost a removed context and perhaps that is where this sudden numbness arises from. The numbness is a necessary state in order for me to gain any sort of perspective on the situation - the situation of me.

I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to lose myself either and right now I feel that there is a danger of that. For many months now, I have felt like I do not know myself. I do not know who I have become and before I can accept that change of state, I need to get to know this person. The scary thing is that my core being may not truly accept this change and for that reason it may be necessary to move on.

The only constant in life is change. That is a truth I have come to recognize. I cannot control the outside change, this I know for sure. But internally, this is a process I have control over, but only as long as I choose to engage with it.