As the remainder of Christmas begins to fade, leaving trails of tinsel and shreds of eagerly torn wrapping paper in the dust, it is time to turn our attention towards yet another important time of the year - the end of the year.
The advent of the new year always brings with it a series of mixed emotion. Anticipation for the chance a new beginnings, a re-birth of creativity and potential, as well as a serious nostalgia, an aching desire to relive past memories in a painful attempt to uncover something from what was - a missing piece of the link in our never ending search for true identity and purpose.
Yes, I admit, I am definitely a sucker for nostalgia, and as some friends have pointed out to me in the past, it doesn't always do you a lot of good to always be looking over your shoulder.
I'll concede to this advice, particularly when looking back on the many hours of my life I have potentially wasted tormenting myself with memories of that "happier" time when I was more fulfilled in school. However, at the same time, I would still like to give nostalgia some of the due credit that it deserves.
My defence of nostalgia is also partially related to the current phase of my life I am in, which some might describe as "searching for one's heritage." This sudden curiosity with the question of "where did I come from" ( and no, I am not questioning whether or not I was conceived as a result of a miraculous birth). "Where did I come from?" - who are my ancestors? What are their stories? what are the cultural myths that have fed my identity? What sort of traditions do I have to carry on to my children? I think as you get older, these are natural questions that arise as we begin to realize that all that hard work we did as children to escape who we are - to rebel against our upbringing - has miraculously been erased. In the end, who we are is our past, and thus to understand who we are, we need to start at the beginning.
For me, the beginning my technically start with the vikings - a homage to my Nordic roots which I already commemorated this year by dressing as a viking for Halloween. To edge this process on a little bit faster, it may be necessary to begin with my present - which is really rooted in birth. How did I get to where I am now? How did I become who I am? And better yet, do I like the person I have become?
I will not even begin to try and answer these questions - well not now at least, as I am only starting to explore. But, what I have found thus far is that who I am is definitely a product of my somewhat more traditional upbringing, and also a product of my Christian upbringing. Acknowledging the role that Christianity has played in my life is somewhat ironic considering how hard I tried to rebel against the church. However, acknowledging my religion is also a starting place. A starting place for trying to understand where I want to go from here and from deciding what type of spiritual path I want to take to walk into the future.
Whether or not I come to conclusions for these questions anytime in the near future is not of urgency, for as Heidegger taught us (and perhaps as the Buddhists and Hindus teach us), human beings are constantly in a state of becoming. Constantly being made and remade in the process that is life.
Answering these questions is only part of that process. But for now, its a start.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Confusion - Stage I
As of today it has been about seven months since I was last seated in a university classroom, listening to a lecture, absorbing knowledge, and expanding my mind to its fullest potential.
Seven months later, I have a BA, a full time salaried job, my own apartment, a loving relationship and a decent standard of living, but the question remains - am I happy?
At first glance, examining my own life from the inside out I would say no. I miss school, I miss learning, I miss the constant opportunity to socialize with my peer group, which is definitely something that I took for granted throughout university.
However, examining this question from another perspective, I don't know if its fair to say I am not happy, but rather that I am simply confused. Confused beyond belief, and sometimes I don't quite know how to continue in this state of existence.
I am confused about my place in the world - my purpose, my system of meaning, my role as an individual within society. I am confused about my own morals and values. My understanding of the world. My understanding of people, and my understanding of myself.
This problem of understanding is probably my greatest downfall at the moment, because I am trying to rationalize the irrational. Comprehend what is incomprehensible - that which does not yet exist.
As a student, a committed learner, a dedicated intellectual, I am so used to the paradigm of rationality that I continue to live under the false belief that I will be able to rationalize the remainder of my life. This is so far beyond comprehension that its almost laughable. Why, on earth, would any one want to see their entire life unfold before them before they actually had the chance to live it? I guess this is the age old question relating to whether or not we would actually want to see our future in a crystal ball, knowing full well that once we saw all the mistakes we were inevitably doomed to make, there is nothing we could do to change our future path.
Though I struggle, I want to live a life full of mystery, wonder, enthusiasm and creativity. I want to create the life I live as it happens. Not as a script that is written in advance so that I can play the part of myself. I want to be reborn every day that the sunrises. Thrown into a play where I don't know my lines, and thus am forced to improvise the part. I want life to reveal itself to me, rather than having me uncover it like an unwrapped present. I want life to unintentional and real - not a gift that I ask for and expect to believe.
I want revealing rather than uncovering - so what is the problem? Why can't I give myself over to the wonder and mystery of life? This is where the real confusion comes in. The confusion of knowing I want one thing, but feeling obligated to another set of rules. The process of negotiating my identity, my values, my truth with the rules that guide the society I live in.
Sometimes I feel as though I am living two lives - playing two parallel games, where different rules apply, but knowing all along that I can't keep up this facade. One day I will be found out, and forced to choose the rules of one game and one game only.
That one game is my life. I'm just not sure how I want to play it yet.
Seven months later, I have a BA, a full time salaried job, my own apartment, a loving relationship and a decent standard of living, but the question remains - am I happy?
At first glance, examining my own life from the inside out I would say no. I miss school, I miss learning, I miss the constant opportunity to socialize with my peer group, which is definitely something that I took for granted throughout university.
However, examining this question from another perspective, I don't know if its fair to say I am not happy, but rather that I am simply confused. Confused beyond belief, and sometimes I don't quite know how to continue in this state of existence.
I am confused about my place in the world - my purpose, my system of meaning, my role as an individual within society. I am confused about my own morals and values. My understanding of the world. My understanding of people, and my understanding of myself.
This problem of understanding is probably my greatest downfall at the moment, because I am trying to rationalize the irrational. Comprehend what is incomprehensible - that which does not yet exist.
As a student, a committed learner, a dedicated intellectual, I am so used to the paradigm of rationality that I continue to live under the false belief that I will be able to rationalize the remainder of my life. This is so far beyond comprehension that its almost laughable. Why, on earth, would any one want to see their entire life unfold before them before they actually had the chance to live it? I guess this is the age old question relating to whether or not we would actually want to see our future in a crystal ball, knowing full well that once we saw all the mistakes we were inevitably doomed to make, there is nothing we could do to change our future path.
Though I struggle, I want to live a life full of mystery, wonder, enthusiasm and creativity. I want to create the life I live as it happens. Not as a script that is written in advance so that I can play the part of myself. I want to be reborn every day that the sunrises. Thrown into a play where I don't know my lines, and thus am forced to improvise the part. I want life to reveal itself to me, rather than having me uncover it like an unwrapped present. I want life to unintentional and real - not a gift that I ask for and expect to believe.
I want revealing rather than uncovering - so what is the problem? Why can't I give myself over to the wonder and mystery of life? This is where the real confusion comes in. The confusion of knowing I want one thing, but feeling obligated to another set of rules. The process of negotiating my identity, my values, my truth with the rules that guide the society I live in.
Sometimes I feel as though I am living two lives - playing two parallel games, where different rules apply, but knowing all along that I can't keep up this facade. One day I will be found out, and forced to choose the rules of one game and one game only.
That one game is my life. I'm just not sure how I want to play it yet.
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