The ghosts of years-lived past

As the remainder of Christmas begins to fade, leaving trails of tinsel and shreds of eagerly torn wrapping paper in the dust, it is time to turn our attention towards yet another important time of the year - the end of the year.

The advent of the new year always brings with it a series of mixed emotion. Anticipation for the chance a new beginnings, a re-birth of creativity and potential, as well as a serious nostalgia, an aching desire to relive past memories in a painful attempt to uncover something from what was - a missing piece of the link in our never ending search for true identity and purpose.

Yes, I admit, I am definitely a sucker for nostalgia, and as some friends have pointed out to me in the past, it doesn't always do you a lot of good to always be looking over your shoulder.

I'll concede to this advice, particularly when looking back on the many hours of my life I have potentially wasted tormenting myself with memories of that "happier" time when I was more fulfilled in school. However, at the same time, I would still like to give nostalgia some of the due credit that it deserves.

My defence of nostalgia is also partially related to the current phase of my life I am in, which some might describe as "searching for one's heritage." This sudden curiosity with the question of "where did I come from" ( and no, I am not questioning whether or not I was conceived as a result of a miraculous birth). "Where did I come from?" - who are my ancestors? What are their stories? what are the cultural myths that have fed my identity? What sort of traditions do I have to carry on to my children? I think as you get older, these are natural questions that arise as we begin to realize that all that hard work we did as children to escape who we are - to rebel against our upbringing - has miraculously been erased. In the end, who we are is our past, and thus to understand who we are, we need to start at the beginning.

For me, the beginning my technically start with the vikings - a homage to my Nordic roots which I already commemorated this year by dressing as a viking for Halloween. To edge this process on a little bit faster, it may be necessary to begin with my present - which is really rooted in birth. How did I get to where I am now? How did I become who I am? And better yet, do I like the person I have become?

I will not even begin to try and answer these questions - well not now at least, as I am only starting to explore. But, what I have found thus far is that who I am is definitely a product of my somewhat more traditional upbringing, and also a product of my Christian upbringing. Acknowledging the role that Christianity has played in my life is somewhat ironic considering how hard I tried to rebel against the church. However, acknowledging my religion is also a starting place. A starting place for trying to understand where I want to go from here and from deciding what type of spiritual path I want to take to walk into the future.

Whether or not I come to conclusions for these questions anytime in the near future is not of urgency, for as Heidegger taught us (and perhaps as the Buddhists and Hindus teach us), human beings are constantly in a state of becoming. Constantly being made and remade in the process that is life.

Answering these questions is only part of that process. But for now, its a start.