Confusion - Stage I

As of today it has been about seven months since I was last seated in a university classroom, listening to a lecture, absorbing knowledge, and expanding my mind to its fullest potential.

Seven months later, I have a BA, a full time salaried job, my own apartment, a loving relationship and a decent standard of living, but the question remains - am I happy?

At first glance, examining my own life from the inside out I would say no. I miss school, I miss learning, I miss the constant opportunity to socialize with my peer group, which is definitely something that I took for granted throughout university.

However, examining this question from another perspective, I don't know if its fair to say I am not happy, but rather that I am simply confused. Confused beyond belief, and sometimes I don't quite know how to continue in this state of existence.

I am confused about my place in the world - my purpose, my system of meaning, my role as an individual within society. I am confused about my own morals and values. My understanding of the world. My understanding of people, and my understanding of myself.

This problem of understanding is probably my greatest downfall at the moment, because I am trying to rationalize the irrational. Comprehend what is incomprehensible - that which does not yet exist.

As a student, a committed learner, a dedicated intellectual, I am so used to the paradigm of rationality that I continue to live under the false belief that I will be able to rationalize the remainder of my life. This is so far beyond comprehension that its almost laughable. Why, on earth, would any one want to see their entire life unfold before them before they actually had the chance to live it? I guess this is the age old question relating to whether or not we would actually want to see our future in a crystal ball, knowing full well that once we saw all the mistakes we were inevitably doomed to make, there is nothing we could do to change our future path.

Though I struggle, I want to live a life full of mystery, wonder, enthusiasm and creativity. I want to create the life I live as it happens. Not as a script that is written in advance so that I can play the part of myself. I want to be reborn every day that the sunrises. Thrown into a play where I don't know my lines, and thus am forced to improvise the part. I want life to reveal itself to me, rather than having me uncover it like an unwrapped present. I want life to unintentional and real - not a gift that I ask for and expect to believe.

I want revealing rather than uncovering - so what is the problem? Why can't I give myself over to the wonder and mystery of life? This is where the real confusion comes in. The confusion of knowing I want one thing, but feeling obligated to another set of rules. The process of negotiating my identity, my values, my truth with the rules that guide the society I live in.

Sometimes I feel as though I am living two lives - playing two parallel games, where different rules apply, but knowing all along that I can't keep up this facade. One day I will be found out, and forced to choose the rules of one game and one game only.

That one game is my life. I'm just not sure how I want to play it yet.